Count Olaf

“I see your new friends have been keeping you in the dark. You think V.F.D. is noble? Think again. I bet your self-righteous volunteers never told you what's in the sugar bowl, why it's important, or how it was stolen, but I could. Oh, the secrets I could share... about V.F.D., about your parents. You think you know this story, but you don't even know how it begins... I'm your last chance to learn what really happened. I can tell you things that you'll never learn on your own. Your choice.”

— Count Olaf to the Baudelaires

Count Olaf
Information
Affiliation	Volunteer Fire Department (formerly) His Warriors His Theater Troupe Normal Happy Family (briefly; formerly)
First appearance	Season 16: Gloomed
Alignment	Evil
Status	Alive
Family	Esmé Squalor (wife) Carmelita Spats (adoptive daughter)
Portrayed by	Neil Patrick Harris
Gender	Male
Occupation	Actor Impresario Mastermind
Species	Human

Count Olaf is a criminal fugitive mastermind and actor.

Disguises

Main article: Count Olaf's disguises

Anagrams

• Al Funcoot
• Flacutono (used by Fernald)
• O. Lucafont (used by the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender)

Relationships

Main article: Count Olaf/Relationships

Quotes

“Allow me to introduce myself, because, as you can see from my mole, we've never met before. As you can see from my coat, hat and ascot, I'm here on business. And as you can see from my sunglasses, it's bright out. I'm here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will, for which I understand you are the executioner.”

—Count Olaf to Arthur Poe

“Welcome to my humble home, orphans, and... a man with a hat on.”

—Count Olaf

Count Olaf: Do you know what this is?

Klaus Baudelaire: It looks like a list.

“I don't have time to learn a second language besides whatever it is I'm speaking right now.”

—Count Olaf about Sunny Baudelaire's language

“You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune. It's a very difficult job, and I will not have any orphans mucking it up.”

—Count Olaf to the Baudelaires

“I didn't realize the sand went so quickly. I bought it online. You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times.”

—Count Olaf to the Baudelaires

“I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do. And when I have it, I will tear you and your siblings from limb to limb.”

—Count Olaf to Violet Baudelaire

“If I wanted to harm you, orphan, your blood would be streaming out of this car like a waterfall. No, I am not going to harm a hair on any Baudelaire's head. At least, not on purpose. But accidents happen all the time, don't they?”

—Count Olaf to the Baudelaires before leaving to the Murnau Cinema

“I'm so tired of having to explain everything to you. You're supposed to be so smart, and yet you persistently seem to forget about this.”

—Count Olaf to the Baudelaires

Count Olaf: I thought you were supposed to be a nice girl. Nice girls aren't supposed to dig through people's personal, private property. Especially when it's... Wasn't it locked?

Violet Baudelaire: It was.

Jacquelyn Scieszka: I'm taking you to prison.

Count Olaf: Good luck with that. I'm armed.

“Let's not split hairs. That's Klaus' job. And you can shout as much as you want. Your brother isn't here right now.”

—Count Olaf to Violet Baudelaire

Count Olaf: Poor little orphan. Haven't you learned anything this year? Week? Season? Wherever you go, I will be waiting. Wherever you hide, I will hunt you down. I'm smarter. I'm pluckier. I'm stronger. I'm unstoppable!

Violet Baudelaire: Why do you hate us so much?

Count Olaf: You think you're so superior, with your fancy optometry degree and weird hypnosis thing. Well, I don't need a partner. I was better off alone, where my plots were simple and straightforward and didn't involve any high-concept science fiction gimmicks.

Georgina Orwell: Are you breaking up with me again?

“Does this seem like a nightmare? A bad dream? Because that's the effect I was going for. Well, I have nightmares too, orphans. I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and the only thing that comforts me is knowing that the three of you will so be screaming youselves, just like another set of wealthy orphans that have happen to be in my clutches.”

—Count Olaf to the Baudelaires

“Have you seen my press clippings? I could get away with murder... again.”

—Count Olaf to Klaus Baudelaire

Hook-Handed Man: It's a taxi, boss. About a mile back. He's been behind us an interminably long time.

Count Olaf: You didn't think to mention until now that someone is following us?

“Welcome to the Firehouse Saloon, folks! I have extremely pricey beverages which you have to pay cash for.”

—Count Olaf to Jacques Snicket and Olivia Caliban

Count Olaf: Have you ever hunted, Violet?

Violet Baudelaire: Of course not.

“I didn't need a fortune-teller to tell me where the Baudelaire brats were hiding. I'd figured that out all by myself. So, allow me to tell you your future. A great deal of suffering and pain and then a long fall to rock bottom. Do you know how that feels? Because I do. But things are looking up for me. I'm cutting all ties with my past failures. Get it? Because I'm actually cutting the rope that you tied...”

—Count Olaf to Beverly and Elliot

Count Olaf: Remind me why we can't send her back to her parents.

Esmé Squalor: We burned down their house with them inside.

“Yes, lie to her. That's excellent parenting.”

—Count Olaf to Esmé Squalor

“No one's ever looked good with a mustache, so I guess I'll be the first.”

—Count Olaf while putting on his "Jacques Snicket" disguise

“I see your new friends have been keeping you in the dark. You think V.F.D. is noble? Think again. I bet your self-righteous volunteers never told you what's in the sugar bowl, why it's important, or how it was stolen but I could. Oh, the secrets I could share... about V.F.D., about your parents. You think you know this story, but you don't even know how it begins... I'm your last chance to learn what really happened. I can tell you things that you'll never learn on your own. Your choice.”

—Count Olaf to the Baudelaires

Count Olaf: You were right, Ish. One harpoon isn't much of a threat against a colony, but how about a diving helmet filled with the world's deadliest fungus?

Ishmael: You don't mean...

Count Olaf: You harpooned me!

Ishmael: Well, you started it!

Gallery

Main article: Count Olaf/Gallery