Greg Heffley

“Okay, I have one more week of school, then it's summer vacation. Which sounds great, but for me, summer vacation is basically a three-month guilt trip. Just because the weather's nice, everyone expects you to be outside all day frolicking. But the truth is, I've always been more of an indoor person. To me, the perfect way to spend summer vacation is in front of the TV playing video games. Unfortunately, my dad's idea of a perfect summer is the opposite of mine. The real problem is, me and my dad have absolutely nothing in common. But as long as I stay one step ahead of him... I think I have a shot at a fun summer.”

— Greg narrating

Greg Heffley
Information
Full name	Gregory "Greg" Heffley
Alternate names	Gregory Bubby (by Manny Heffley) Muchacho (by Rodrick Heffley) Greg the Great (by Rowley Jefferson) Diaper Hands (formerly) Oompa-Loompa (by Rodrick Heffley) El Dorko (by Rodrick Heffley)
Affiliation	His family Shadow Squad Resistance Belgrave's Army
Alignment	Good
Family	Susan Heffley (mother) Frank Heffley (father) Rodrick Heffley (brother) Manny Heffley (brother)
Base of operations	Heffley House Shadow Squad Monastery
Portrayed by	Zachary Gordon Jason Drucker
Gender	Male
Species	Human

Gregory "Greg" Heffley is the best friend of Rowley Jefferson.

Personality

Greg absolutely loves video games, comics, and slacking off, taking after his older brother, Rodrick. Greg is very concerned about his popularity level and how he looks in public.

Quotes

“Let me get something straight. This is a journal, not a diary. When Mom went to buy this thing, I clearly told her not to buy anything with the word "diary" on it. This just proves Mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age. The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions all day long. Mom got me this thing so I could write down my feelings about starting middle school, but I'm gonna be fine. It's my best friend, Rowley Jefferson, I'm worried about. He's definitely not middle school ready. He's not quite clear on the concept of growing up. But anyway, this is about me, not Rowley. I always figured they'd make a movie about my life. But I didn't think they'd start the story here. Because, seriously, who wants to see a movie about a kid who's stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons?”

—Greg narrating

“Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with gorillas who have to shave twice a day. There's juvenile delinquents and weirdos. I'm smaller than about 95% of the kids at my school, so thank God for Chirag Gupta. He's an excellent buffer between me and these morons. Seriously, I don't know what happened to these kids over the summer. Was there a nuclear accident? Science experiment gone bad? Thank God there are a few normal people or this place would be a total freak show. If you're as discriminating as I am, it can be tough to figure out where to sit on your first day of middle school. One bad move and you're stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the year.”

—Greg narrating his thoughts about middle school

“It's my best friend, Rowley Jefferson, I'm worried about. He's definitely not middle school ready. He's not quite clear on the concept of growing up.”

—Greg introducing Rowley Jefferson

“I ate the cheese! Yeah. I ate it. And you know what, people? I just did you all a huge favor. I ate the cheese to show you all how stupid this whole school is. The wrong friends. The wrong lunch table. The wrong butt? It's all meaningless. Just like this cheese. I know it. You all know it.”

—Greg to the students at Westmore Middle School

“So, you wanna come over after school, and... play?”

—Greg asking Rowley if he wants to play after school

“{{{line1}}}”

“{{{line2}}}”

— Greg and Rodrick about chairs

“{{{line1}}}”

“{{{line2}}}”

— Greg asking Rodrick about some letter that Greg plans to write to Holly Hills

“{{{line1}}}”

“{{{line2}}}”

— Greg and Rowley during the saw-the-lady-in-half trick

“{{{line1}}}”

“{{{line2}}}”

— Greg and Rowley about getting rid of the Cheese Touch

“{{{line1}}}”

“{{{line2}}}”

— {{{speaker}}}

“Okay, I have one more week of school, then it's summer vacation. Which sounds great, but for me, summer vacation is basically a three-month guilt trip. Just because the weather's nice, everyone expects you to be outside all day frolicking. But the truth is, I've always been more of an indoor person. To me, the perfect way to spend summer vacation is in front of the TV playing video games. Unfortunately, my dad's idea of a perfect summer is the opposite of mine. The real problem is, me and my dad have absolutely nothing in common. But as long as I stay one step ahead of him... I think I have a shot at a fun summer.”

—Greg narrating

“Man, I sure do miss Chirag. I wonder when he's coming back. It's almost like I can feel his presence.”

—Greg starting the Invisible Chirag joke

“Did you just hear something? No. Nothing. Well, better get to class. Chirag would've wanted it that way.”

—One of Greg's jokes about Chirag being invisible

“Okay, so the Invisible Chirag joke is still going, and the whole school is in on it. But it looks like Chirag's discovered our weakness.”

—Greg about the Invisible Chirag joke

“I guess I do like being outside... when I'm outside at a country club.”

—Greg about being at the Plainview Heights Country Club

“{{{line1}}}”

“{{{line2}}}”

— {{{speaker}}}

“Yeah, well... Ultimate Tennis on the Wii. It's not exactly the same thing.”

—Greg about playing the tennis on the Wii versus tennis in real life

“{{{line1}}}”

“{{{line2}}}”

— Greg and his brother about his Löded Diper tattoo

“Oh, no, thanks. I just remembered I'm lactose intolerant.”

—Greg to Linda when offering him ice cream that the Jeffersons licked off of

“Dad, did you give up on that phone call with your boss when the pig got loose in the car? I probably should have, but no. And if Meemaw's brother Fred gave up, do you think we'd have defeated the British in World War II? Definitely not the case. And Mom, will you ever give up on making us read books and eat healthy food, even though we fight you every step of the way? I mean, things look pretty bad for us. But we've come this far and Meemaw's party isn't over yet. So shouldn't we at least try to get there?”

—Greg motivating his family that they can arrive at Meemaw's party before it's over

Notes

• He takes up a lot of traits from Rodrick Heffley.
• He has an interest in cartooning and making comics.

Gallery

Main article: Greg Heffley/Gallery