I can see that Count Olaf is as handsome as a noble steed riding on the back of a beautiful princess. His legendary handsomeness is... is celebrated in special weekly holidays in my faraway land, please.
Count Olaf about himself

Gunther was Count Olaf's foreigner disguise while in the City.



“It's true, please, what the babushka is saying. Count Olaf, please, is right here.”
Count Olaf about his wanted poster signed by himself
This poster is limited edition, please, and is autographed by the star of this month's citywide manhunt.”
Count Olaf about his wanted poster signed by himself
I hope you'll forgive the way, please, that I am talking, but I am, please, a foreigner. Very nice to meet the husband of pretty lady Esmé and three hideous children. Is "hideous" the right word for what it is I am, please, trying to say?”
Count Olaf "meeting" the Baudelaires and Jerome Squalor
Beautiful, no? I can see that Count Olaf is as handsome as a noble steed riding on the back of a beautiful princess. His legendary handsomeness is... is celebrated in special weekly holidays in my faraway land, please.”
Count Olaf about himself
“If this Count Olaf is somehow recognized and taken to jail, the little Quaggies will never be found in their, how do you say in your language, super-duper hiding place, as they will starve to death like castaways on desert island or vegetarian restaurant, please.”
Count Olaf about the Citywide Manhunt
“Aw, poor people. Which reminds me, you poor wealthy orphans, go far away, please. Pretty lady Esmé and I have to talk big fat business.”
Count Olaf
“No, no, please. I do not approve of small child browsing penthouse.”
Count Olaf about Klaus Baudelaire browsing the Squalor Penthouse
“Mmm... Sturdy enough to cause a fatal concussion, no?”
Count Olaf about the vases in the formal dining room
“Yeah, but still heavy enough for a good whacking.”
Count Olaf about the vases in the semiformal dining room
“Tiny vase can shatter into a million pieces and hit your eye.”
Count Olaf about the vases in the informal dining room
“Oh, this looks large enough for, how do you say, suffocating rich person.”
Count Olaf about Spain's Largest Handkerchief
Count Olaf: It's I must be allergic to something in this room that is not large handkerchief or you two adult people.
Esmé Squalor: The orphans, perhaps?
Count Olaf: They're orphans? Qué pasa? Yes, I'm allergic to orphans.
Esmé Squalor: Is it their dust?
Count Olaf: Yes, yes, or their ashes. This clogs up my whole, um, what is the word for it?
Jerome Squalor: Glands.
“So sorry, please, to keep you waiting, please! I was not on phone call in phone call room.”
—Count Olaf after calling one of the members of his troupe in the phone call room
Pretty lady, why don't you eat here with your boring husband? I'll take the children to the herring restaurant for kidnapping. I mean hors d'oeuvres.”
Count Olaf to Esmé Squalor
I, uh... I think I'm feeling queasy, please. I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment where nothing is hidden by the way!”
Count Olaf to the Squalors
This is, how do I say in your language, the end, il finito, el end de lunch de salmono, please. Please!”
Count Olaf wanting to leave Café Salmonella
You can sleep it off on way home please. Time to hurry to penthouse to make sure that nothing has been stolen during the afternoon.”
Count Olaf to Jerome Squalor
Larry Your-Waiter: My sources have learned you're quite the chanteuse.
Count Olaf: Oh, no, no, that's just the lighting. My skin is regular foreign color.
Larry Your-Waiter: He's just being modest. Gunther's songbird skills have earned him more or less favorable reviews in one small magazine.
Count Olaf: Oh, no, you must be thinking of other foreign man.
“No! No! No! Absolutely... What's the word? Never as long as I live.”
Count Olaf refusing to sing
“The auction, please, has started. As you can see, Lot Número One-o is a wanted poster for notorious good-looking villain named Count Olaf.”
Count Olaf introducing Lot 1
“Sold! To restaurant person for indeterminate amount of money which will be paid later.”
—Gunther about the bid of Lot 47
“We proceed as normal, please, to the crying of Lot 49.”
Count Olaf introducing Lot 49
VFD, of course, needs no introduction, as is known all over the world in countries that are foreign and not so foreign. As you see, is prime specimen, this V.F.D. Very large with a few air holes poked in the top at the last minute. Ladies, please turn the box around on all sides so everyone can see with their eyes all of the angles.”
Count Olaf
“Where is women of advanced age, please? And the other guy? One with, how do you say, alternative fingers?”
Count Olaf
“I have bid of 200, please, from someone who will be yelled at later.”
—Gunther about the bid of Lot 49



Main article: Count Olaf/Gallery#Gunther 2