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My name is Shirley. I'm a poor receptionist who lives all alone and wants very much to raise children of her own. Alas, the helter-skelter life of a working girl has left me no time to find a partner, and the cruel reality of adoption economics has left me unable to purchase even the runtiest of orphans. And so I wait and work... and grow old dreaming of children. Three of them to be precise. A bucktoothed baby, a smarty-pants little boy and a girl with an enormous fortune . . . uh, uh . . . bank account . . . uh, uh . . . heart. Thank you.”
Count Olaf telling his fake story to Sir

Shirley St. Ives was Count Olaf's receptionist disguise while at Paltryville.

History

Quotes

Georgina Orwell: We have a good deal, you and I. You provide a steady stream of employees for me to practice my craft, and I send them back after I've fixed how they see.
Sir: Frankly, I never thought weekly eye exams would have such an impact on employee morale.
Count Olaf: Oops! I dropped a pen on the floor. Would you mind helping me look for it? (To Georgina) Does he really not know how you make his workers so compliant?
Georgina Orwell: Doesn't know, doesn't want to know. He gets free labor, we split the profits 50-50.
Count Olaf: You're terrible, and I love it. (To Sir) Found it.
Sir: You said you had some business to discuss.
Georgina Orwell: Actually, my receptionist has a story to share. (To Count Olaf) It's okay, Shirley.
Count Olaf: My name is Shirley. I'm a poor receptionist who lives all alone and wants very much to raise children of her own. Alas, the helter-skelter life of a working girl has left me no time to find a partner, and the cruel reality of adoption economics has left me unable to purchase even the runtiest of orphans. And so I wait and work . . . and grow old dreaming of children. Three of them to be precise. A bucktoothed baby, a smarty-pants little boy and a girl with an enormous fortune . . . uh, uh . . . bank account . . . uh, uh . . . heart. Thank you.
Sir: It's a moving story. And frankly, it's a coincident that defies belief. But a trio of orphans with those exact qualities arrived at the mill just yesterday.
Count Olaf: I'll take them.
Sir: Excuse me?
Count Olaf: I mean, don't you want to see those children in a loving home?
Sir: Absolutely not.
Count Olaf: Beg your pardon?
Sir: They're an economic bonanza. They do the work of an adult for half the gum. What kind of a businessman would I be to part with them?
Count Olaf: What would make you part with them?
Sir: I suppose if they became costly.
Georgina Orwell: What might make them costly?
Sir: They made a... costly mistake.
Count Olaf: Like a fatal accident?
Sir: A bit drastic, but...
Count Olaf: Deal! Oops, dropped another pen! (To Georgina) Did you hear that? All we have to do is get one of those brats to murder someone. Oh, they'll never do that. They're total goody two-shoes.
Georgina Orwell: You so underestimate me.
Count Olaf: Hmm, I smell an evil plan. (To Sir) Thank you so much for your time, Sir.
Count Olaf's plot with Georgina Orwell, meeting with Sir
Count Olaf: Well, hello, little girls. What are your names?
Violet Baudelaire: You know our names, and that wig and that lipstick don't fool us.
Count Olaf: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Dr. Orwell's receptionist. My name is Shirley.
Violet Baudelaire: You mean Shirley Count Olaf?
Count Olaf: Actually, my last name is St. Ives. It says so on my name tag, see?
Georgina Orwell: You were right. These children are horribly impolite.
Count Olafs: They really should be more careful, Dr. Orwell. If they were to do something impolite to me, like, for example, call me by the wrong name, I would have to do something impolite to them, like, for example, tear their hair out with my bare hands. Cookie?
“Hi, I'm Cookie. Shirley? I'm Shirley. Cookie?”
Count Olaf offering Sir and Charles a cookie

Trivia

Gallery

Main article: Count Olaf/Gallery#Shirley St. Ives 2
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