I'm so tired of having to explain everything to you. You're supposed to be so smart, and yet you persistently seem to forget about this.

Stephano (alternatively spelled Stefano) was Count Olaf's scientist disguise while at Monty Montgomery's house.



Count Olaf: Good morning. I am Stephano, Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant.
Klaus Baudelaire: It's afternoon. And you're Count Olaf.
Count Olaf: Perhaps one of you can take my suitcases up to my room. The ride along that smelly road was dull and unpleasant, and Stephano is very tired.
Violet Baudelaire: You're Count Olaf, and if anyone ever deserved to travel along Lousy Lane, it's you.
Klaus Baudelaire: We will not help you with your luggage and we will not let you in this house.
Monty Montgomery: Well, there's a spare room upstairs. It's small, but like I said, I have three young children living with me, so living quarters are quite tight.
Count Olaf: Not for long. I mean, I don't mind.
“So sorry. I seem to have been very careless with the heavy glass reading lamp that was in my bedroom that fell out right when you were walking under it.”
Count Olaf about the lamp incident
Monty Montgomery: Well, Stephano, you must join us. We have to celebrate your arrival.
Count Olaf: In all honesty, I prefer long-form television to the movies. It's so much more convenient to consume entertainment from the comfort of your own home.
Monty Montgomery: Hmm. Well, I insist you come.
Count Olaf: I insist upon staying here.
Monty Montgomery: Well, I insisted first.
Count Olaf: Well, I insisted LOUDER!!
Violet Baudelaire: Could you please pass the potstickers?
Count Olaf: Yeah. They're all gone.
Count Olaf: And that is when I said to him the frog is the greatest reptile known to man.
Klaus Baudelaire: Frogs are amphibians.
Count Olaf: What?
Monty Montgomery: Stephano, where did you study herpetology?
Count Olaf: I don't know anything about mouth sores.
Count Olaf: This one is for me, and this one is for the rest of you.
Monty Montgomery: Your generosity is noted, Stephano.
Count Olaf: My name is not... anything but Stephano!
“What did I miss? Oh, boy, they're still singing.”
—Count Olaf
Arthur Poe: You're not Dr. Montgomery.
Count Olaf: Oh, my spleen! I think you've ruptured him!
Count Olaf: Hello, my name is Stephano. I'm Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant. I mean, I was. I mean... I don't know how to say it.
Klaus Baudelaire: Uncle Monty's dead.
Count Olaf: That's how to say it.
Arthur Poe: Last night he called me to insist on me rearranging my morning itinerary to bring them these passports.
Count Olaf: He'd want me to have them.
Violet Baudelaire: Can't you see, Mr. Poe? That's Count Olaf
Klaus Baudelaire: He's in disguise and he's trying to take us away
Count Olaf: Who am I? What am I doing? Don't you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?
Arthur Poe: I never had one.
Count Olaf: An imagination or a childhood?
Count Olaf: It's no problem. As long as the vehicle is operational, then we really must be going.
Baudelaires: No!
Arthur Poe: No.
Count Olaf: No?
Arthur Poe: No. None of us are going anywhere until the police have been called.
Count Olaf: Oh, come on, man. It's just a fender bender.
“No, child, please. If I were standing closer to you... I would slap you in the throat.”
Count Olaf to Violet Baudelaire



Main article: Count Olaf/Gallery#Stephano 2